


To Lance.

by PeculiarChild



Series: How Long Have We Been Here? [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crying, Depressed Lance (Voltron), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Homesick Lance (Voltron), Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Letters, M/M, Pining Lance (Voltron), Protective Shiro (Voltron), Sad, Sad Lance (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-22 15:38:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13767225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeculiarChild/pseuds/PeculiarChild
Summary: Lance,No matter what happens, no matter how hard it looks, you have to keep on living. For me. For yourself.I love you.-Keith





	To Lance.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel of "Kiss My Eyelids", the previous work in this series. You'll miss some dialogue if you don't read it first, so I recommend you do so, but it's not really necessary to read it.

Growing up in a large family, Lance knew how to hide his pain well. He'd plaster a smile on his face and carry on with his day, so the others wouldn't worry.

But right now, as he clutched Keith's now cold, lifeless body to his chest, he didn't know what to do with all this pain welling up in his chest. He couldn't stop the sobs that escaped his lips, his throat feeling sore. He wasn't really sure that he wanted them to stop.

He had sung a song to Keith, the one that reminded him home the most. He kept going until he finished, even when his voice started to crack, and even when he felt Keith go completely still in his arms, suddenly a lot colder to touch. He just hoped Keith could find a little comfort in his dying moments.

 _I need that comfort too,_ he thought bitterly.

But the only person who could give him that comfort now laid in his arms, his body nothing more than an echo of what it used to be, with those pretty violet eyes that would never flutter open again to meet Lance's gaze.

Another sob and a pitiful whimper wracked his body as he heard footsteps, and vaguely registered Shiro calling out to him. And even if it wasn't Shiro, Lance wasn't really sure he could've found the strength to get up and fight.

"Lance?"

There was a long pause. He didn't want to lash out at Shiro. He really didn't. He didn't want to say things he didn't mean. So he swallowed everything he wanted to say, and instead, he bit back a choked sob, not trusting his voice to raise it any more than a whisper.

"It's too late... Shiro... It's too fucking late..."

Lance heard Shiro's breath hitch. He lifted his head up and looked at him. His eyebrows were knitted, shoulders tense, and fists balled. Lance could swear that he could see the wetness in his eyes.

He quickly hung his head low, closing his eyes. He didn't want to see Keith's unmoving body. He didn't want to see Shiro's pained expression. He didn't want to see the consequences of his own failure.

 _It's all your fault,_ a voice inside his brain whispered.

_You're weak._

_It should've been you, not Keith._

Lance shivered as Shiro's footsteps approached him, and slowly lifted Keith up. He opened one eye, only to see Shiro tenderly brush Keith's sweat matted bangs aside.

He then let Hunk carry Keith into Yellow - Lance definitely did not see him come in- and returned to Lance's side.

"Come on Lance, we gotta fix your shoulder and get you in a pod. You're pretty beat up yourself."

Lance tried to shrug, tell that he was okay, but pain shot up his right arm, scorching hot. Another set of fresh tears burned his eyes, and he let them roll down his cheeks freely. He shifted a little and presented his shoulder to Shiro.

Shiro, oh so kind Shiro, smiled bitterly at him before moving closer to get a hold of his shoulder. Lance could see the hidden, refusing to be shed tears in his eyes. That smile was supposed to be comforting, at least Lance thought so, but yet, Lance couldn't find ay reassurance in it. All Lance could feel was the crushing weight of guilt.

Shiro's face remained stoic as he made quick work of Lance's shoulder. Lance dug his nails into his metal Galra arm, fingertips tingling with the odd sensation of it. There was an audible pop, and suddenly, Lance's shoulder was right back at where it was supposed to be. He let out a pained cry as Shiro pulled him to his feet.

"Can you walk?"

Lance took a few tentative steps, testing the waters. He stopped in his tracks when he felt the dull pain make his side throb.

Shiro didn't say anything and snaked an arm around Lance's waist, supporting him until they reached Red. Without Shiro's hand steadying him, he stumbled forward into Red's cockpit, slumping on his chair.

 _Keith's chair,_ he thought bitterly.

_Red was Keith's once._

_Now he's gone._

Just because Lance was her new pilot didn't mean Red wasn't hurting. Lance felt her pain as his own. Hot tears burned his eyes as he heard Red's roar, full of desperation and grief. Of course she felt it. Keith was her paladin too.

He couldn't find the strength in him to fly Red. So he whispered, "Take us back, girl." and tipped his head back, so it rested on top of the chair.  There was no end to his tears. Even if he wasn't actively crying, the tears constantly flowed down his cheeks.

Everything was a blur when he reached the castle. He didn't even know when he arrived at the castle, when Red landed to the hangar, when he was put in a pod.

But he felt it as he fell from the pod, strong, muscular arms catching him. His head felt fuzzy. He lifted his head. Shiro was looking at him sympathetically. He quickly scanned the room for a certain mullet-haired boy, before the reality came crashing down on him.

_Keith was gone._

_He was dead._

_All because of him._

Suddenly, he felt empty inside. No pain. No grief. Nothing. Just the void that seemed to stretch on endlessly.

"Where's Keith?" He asked, voice croaked.  
He felt Shiro's body tense, but he found himself not being able to tear his body apart from Shiro's warmth. Shiro's voice was soft ast it could be, as he spoke.

"Coran prepared a pod to preserve his body, so that we can have a proper funeral for him when we go back."

 _If we ever go back,_ Lance thought.

"And... Well. If you ever want to see him... You can visit him in his old room."

And with that, after making sure that Lance could stand up on his own, he stepped away. He gave a light pat on Lance's now fixed shoulder before walking out of the med bay. It felt eerily quiet.

He stood there until Hunk and Pidge burst through the door, Hunk wrapping him and Pidge in an affectionate bear hug.

"Welcome back buddy, you scared us shitless there. Please don't do it ever again."

Lance couldn't say anything. He felt like he was being strangled. He could hear a crack in his best friend's voice, and he noticed the quiet before the storm, which was Pidge. Lance knew they avoided talking about Keith on purpose, which he was grateful for. He returned the hug half-heartedly, before pulling himself away from the hug.

"Guys, I... I need to go. I need to go to him."

He hoped they'd understand. He knew they'd understand. He saw Pidge nod solemnly, and he slowly left the med bay, his feet already moving on their own. After a few minutes of walking, he found himself in front of Keith's door.

He just stood there for a moment, almost knocking on the door, expecting to hear Keith's voice, telling him to come in.

With a heavy feeling in his chest, he decided to just let himself in. The room was just as Keith had left it after the Naxzela incident. Well, except for the pod that held Keith's body, which had no more breath to take. He approached the pod, slowly, as if trying to not scare a wounded animal.

There he was. He looked so peaceful, so beautiful. If he didn't give his last breath in Lance's arms, he would've thought Keith was just asleep. The dim blue light of the pod illuminated his pale skin, raven hair sprawled in the aqua colored liquid. It made him look like an angel. A little rough around the edges, but still an angel.

_Lance's angel._

Lance had kissed Keith. Keith had kissed him back. Lance could still feel the tingling copper taste in his mouth. His first and last kiss with Keith. His first and last "I love you." with Keith.

Realization dawned on him.

Keith had loved him.

He could've had him.

He let out a choked whimper. The neverending stream of his tears quickly returned. Sob after sob shook his body, leaving him so open and vulnerable.

He cried.

He cried, for all the things he could've had with Keith.

He cried, for all the laughs and soft giggles he couldn't share with Keith.

He cried, for all the sweet nothings he couldn't whisper in Keith's ear.

He cried, because now, he couldn't go back home with Keith anymore.

He didn't know how much time had passed before he heard a light knock on the door. He opened his mouth to tell whoever it was to go away, but his words were cut short by Princess Allura's silky, smooth voice.

"Lance. The Blades are here, and Kolivan wishes to speak with you. I believe it's something important."

Lance wanted to brush it off. He just wanted to stay with Keith forever. But if Kolivan, of all people, wanted to speak with him, it was absolutely important, and probably about Keith.

"I'm coming."

He winced at how broken he sounded. He heard Allura sigh as he slowly rose to his feet. He fixed himself up as best as he could, and with a last glance, he exited Keith's room.

The walk with Allura was tense and quiet. The princess' eyes were devoid of their usual sparkle and she looked like she had suddenly aged 10 years. Lance knew the reason.

Keith was gone.

Keith used to be a part of the family, and now he was gone.

He wondered how it felt for Allura. Having your entire family destroyed, and then losing a member from your new family. He wondered how it felt for Shiro, losing someone who's so much like a brother to him. He wondered how it felt for Hunk, losing a good friend. He wondered how it felt for Pidge, losing another brother, this time permanently. He wondered how it felt for Coran, losing someone who always listened to you everytime you spoke.

Then, he wondered how it felt for him.

Losing someone so dear, so precious. Losing your loved one, just because of your stupid mistakes.

He clenched his fists, not wanting to break down in front of the leader of the Galran rebel forces. He took a few shaky breaths, hoping he could calm down.

Kolivan was waiting on the bridge, with a wooden box and something wrapped in a white piece of cloth in his hands. As Allura and Lance approached him, he took a few steps, meeting them halfway.

"The Blades are extremely pained about the loss of their fellow teammate, and the former paladin of Voltron. We offer our sincere condolences. However, he has made some requests before he left for the mission, and I'm here to deliver them."

He looked at Lance meaningfully, and Allura left them alone with a curt nod. Kolivan offered him the object wrapped in white cloth first. Lance took it, and peeled off the cloth with shaky hands.

It was a blade.

Keith's blade.

He barely heard Kolivan speak.

"Our blades are a projection of ourselves, and he wanted you to have it."

Lance gripped the blade tightly in his hands. He wanted to yell at Kolivan, to tell him that he took Keith away. But he knew that'd do him no good. So he waited for Kolivan to continue. He then offered Lance the wooden box. The words "To Lance" were scribbled on it hastily.

"Worry not, young paladin. Everything will sort itself out."

And with that, Kolivan started walking away, to where Allura was waiting for him.

Lance could barely comprehend what was happening around him, his brain fuzzy with the thought of Keith.

He clutched both the blade and the wooden box to his chest as he ran back to Keith's room at full speed.

When he reached Keith's room, he dropped down in front of his pod, put down the blade and slowly opened the lid of the small box. Inside of it were lots of papers, covered in Keith's messy handwriting. Lance blinked back his tears, and picked one up.

_Hey Lance,_

_It's been some time since I left for the Blade of Marmora. Well, it's a lot quieter without any of you around. Especially you. I never really thought I'd be missing you, but... Yeah. I do. I don't even know why I'm doing this ridiculous writing thing. I guess I'm just too lonely. As you might guess, the Galra are not really a big fan of talking and opening up to each other. The only company I get is Kolivan's, except for the stars. And then I found myself desperately writing... Whatever the fuck this is. I hope I see you soon._

_-Keith_

Lance found himself unable to stop his tears. He had the whole team to comfort him when something bad happened, but Keith was all alone. He wondered how many times Keith had to go through his problems alone. He picked up another letter.

_Hey Lance,_

_Today was rather rough, and I have finished healing not so long ago. But now though, I have a nasty claw scar on my side. It's not like anyone's going to see it but... Yeah. I could've done without it. It's completely off the topic, but I really don't know why I'm writing these to you, instead of Shiro, or maybe the whole team. Maybe because you've seen me hit the bottom? I'm sure you remember our "bonding moment" after the Naxzela incident. You were the one who cradled me in his arms, after all. It felt finally nice to let it all out. I'm sorry for crying on you, and then using you as a pillow, but... you said it was okay, and it really felt nice... So I'm not that sorry. Oh well, I could use another session like that, but... Yeah. I hope to see you soon._

_-Keith_

Lance inhaled deeply through his nose, and fished out a messy, crumpled piece of paper. He smoothened it out, trying to read it. The handwriting was nearly illegible, the ink was messed up because of some liquid dripped on it. It was most likely tears. Lance tried to make out what was written on it.

**_Holy shit, Lance. I love you. I'm in love with you. How did I not notice this before? I'm so screwed. I'm so screwed, I love you so much. It took me nearly dying to realize it. You were the only thing I could think of while I was bleeding out on the floor. Lance, I love you. I... Want you here. Tell me it's gonna be okay. I never thought I'd be scared of dying, but I am. I am so fucking afraid, Lance. I'm afraid that I'll never get to see you again. I... I miss you. A lot. I wish you were here._ **

He tried to breathe. Everything felt so heavy. He couldn't do this right now. He couldn't.

 _Just one more,_ he thought.

He picked up the letter with the fairly neat looking writing, compared to others. It looked quite new, and it had a few tear marks on it. He gulped audibly and started to read.

_Hey Lance,_

_Considering this might very well be my last letter to you, I'd like to say a few things. Well, we're paired up together for this mission. Kolivan told me briefly about it. I know it won't be an easy one. But I'll have your back. I won't let anything bad happen to you. After all, I promised you that you'll see your family again, didn't I? Well, you know that no one is waiting for me at Earth. I don't have any relatives, nor any friends, but I have you. I'd happily give up my life, just so you can live to see another day. And if you're reading this, I'm so sorry that I won't be around to offer you some comfort. But please know that you're an amazing person. You're so talented, beautiful and charming. You're also a little annoying, but I wouldn't have it any other way. And I know that you're blaming yourself for whatever the hell happened -technically, will happen-  but don't. If it means you'll survive, I'd do anything. None of it is your fault. Now, Lance, I need you to be strong for everyone. For me. For yourself. You're never a seventh wheel, team Voltron needs you, the universe needs you, your family needs you. Lance, I need you. So please, hold your chin up. Lance, no matter what happens, no matter how hard it seems, you have to keep on living. For me. For yourself._

_I love you._

_-Keith_

Lance was openly hyperventilating by the end of the letter. Sobs mixed with screams and heart-breaking whimpers tore themselves from his throat. He heard the door slide open, and he felt a pair of strong arms wrapping around him. When he looked up, he was met with Shiro's face. He could see the tears glistening wet in his eyes too.

As Shiro rocked his lean frame back and forth, Lance thought, maybe, just maybe, one day, he'd be able to move on, and be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Lance is having an extremely tough time with accepting the fact that Keith is gone, because he didn't have enough time to show Keith his love, but Shiro is there for him. Maybe one day, they'll be okay. Let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
